Post by Stop the Stigma on Oct 18, 2014 20:44:29 GMT
Introduction
Well, here goes I guess, even though I set up this forum, and my Instagram, I am still a little insecure about posting this really.
I am 17 years of age and live in England, I won't say my name or where I am from as I would like to keep this private and anonymous.
My Story
Back in 2008/2009 I used to see my real father 3 times one week and then 1 the next. I would stay every Wednesday and every other weekend. Whilst at his house he would go out pretty much every night and leave his best mates son in charge of me. He is 3 years older than me. He would "look after me" whilst my real dad and step-mum were out.
When in his "care" he would force me to do things I wouldn't like to do. If I said no, then he would hurt me to the point of passing out, but he would only hurt me in places I could cover, like my upper arms and torso.
The fear of him increased and increased for many years as this abuse continued.
I never really remembered why I was scared of him, I mean, I still am to this day, scared of him.
He used to tell me that it happens to everyone and it was nothing I should tell anyone. But this continued up until 2010/2011. He told me that I wasn't to tell anyone otherwise he would hurt me some more, which petrified me.
The change
In August of 2013 I was sat in my room, with my girlfriend and I told my girlfriend about it. She was just as upset as I was about it, wondering why I hadn't told anyone about it before. And I told her that I was mentally scarred from it and still lived in fear of him, that if I told anyone then he would come and get me and hurt me. She told me that I had nothing to fear that she wouldn't let him get me.
But that all changed one night, she had gone home and I was alone. I was scared, fearing him coming for me.
That night he popped up on Facebook and asked how I was doing. Checking up on me I suppose, and that's when my mind started over-thinking everything. I thought that he knew that I had told someone. So I got scared.
At that moment my mum came in to me after getting out the shower, I was physically scared and it was evident by my facial expression.
My mum being a counsellor knew something was wrong and just hugged me. And before I knew it I was blurting it all out to her. About the years of abuse.
She was mortified. At that moment she wiped the tears from my eyes and took me downstairs and we rang the police.
They sent someone out to talk me through what was going to happen at 1:30 in the morning.
I just sat in the room and let my mum do the speaking as I was too upset and scared to say anything. Fearing that he would still come for me.
The police told me that they would question him and that he should make no attempt to contact me otherwise he would be arrested on the spot.
I got a call a week later. One of the longest weeks I had ever lived. Due to it being the summer holidays I just hibernated in my room and didn't leave at all.
I always had the lock on my door just in case he would come for me when I was sleeping.
When that call came they told me that they had taken him in and questioned him. He denied everything, and because it had been such a long time since the abuse there was no DNA capabilities to prove anything had happened.
They said that they could take it to court and I said yes. But when it came to telling my real dad he slated me and made me near suicidal saying that if I had told him first he could have sorted it "in house". Meaning he would talk to him and get him to admit what happened.
I dropped the case and he went on to studying sport and doing his teachers-ed in university. Also meaning he was training to be a teacher, which destroys me inside every day.
The police said that the case will stay open for our entire lives and that if I ever wanted to pick it back up again they would let me.
School
School was never really a strong point. I didn't do very well. I only just got 5 C grades or above, which allowed me to go to the college of my choice.
I got severely bullied throughout high-school. I had deodorant sprayed in my eyes that temporarily blinded me. I had my knee slashed open. My arm broken, my nose broken.
Every day I would get my Grandma to pick me up from school as I was too scared to get the bus home on my own due to the bullies.
Some days I wouldn't go into school at all as I was too scared. I would sit on the stair case, crying my eyes out because I was petrified to go in.
When I did go in I would segregate myself at lunch and break in teachers classrooms, so people couldn't find me.
I got counselling throughout high-school, every week I would be seen by a privately hired counsellor and she would help me through everything that had happened and report it back to the school.
I was sat in my room the other day and thought to myself, you can say you are physically ill and that you don't want to go into school, but if you said that you were too scared to go to school or that school isn't the best place for you at the moment because you are mentally drained, you was forced to go in anyway.
I think it is time people realised that your mental health is just as important as your mental health.
The help
In August of 2013 I started counselling at the rape and sexual abuse clinic near where I lived. They interviewed me and I told them about the voices that I hear and the things that I see. The things that nobody else see's and hears. They referred me to a team called the Early Intervention Team.
They specialise in catching mental health disorders in the early stages to prevent them and stop them in their tracks.
I carried on seeing both teams and my mental health started to increase until my dad wanted to start seeing me again which sent me down-hill.
I was in and out of hospital due to hearing suicidal voices and thinking suicidal thoughts.
Now I never see my real dad. I have nothing to do with him. I only talk to him when I want to find out how my little brother is doing.
The help carried on throughout 2013 and I stopped it in March of 2014 because I wasn't able to talk about my feelings.
I carried on with the Early Intervention Team and they help me from day to day right now. I see them once a week, maybe twice, depending on how bad my week is going and they help me talk through my thought processes.
They give me comping mechanisms to practice whenever I hear these voices.
The result
Through all of this I learnt a good lesson for life, which is my favourite quote, "pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional".
This means that there is no chance that you are never going to get hurt in life, but if you let this bother you afterwards, then that is your own downfall.
Back to the result of all of this. I was diagnosed with Psychosis, which is a mental health disorder, meaning you hear voices and see things that other people don't hear. These voices are never nice and whenever I see things I see my abuser, knowing he is miles away and wouldn't approach me, even if he was in the same room as me, because the police said that if he did they would arrest him.
Late September 2014 they undiagnosed me with Psychosis and re-diagnosed me with Psychotic Bipolar, which is the same thing but means that I have massive mood swings. One moment I can be on top of the world, the next I will be at rock bottom. There is no in between.
But, through all of this I realised that even though I have this mental health disorder, I am just as strong as everybody else, and I can give my word out to everyone.
The conclusion
The conclusion to this is that through all of this pain and suffering, my best coping mechanism is to help others. I help them day to day, even if I don't know them I would still go out of my way to help them out. That is why I started my Instagram account. To help others. I steadily built followers and likes. Now I am writing this to kick off this forum so people can feel as though we are all in this together.
This is why I started the Stop the Stigma forum. To help others have their own down-time, whether it be to let out a demon they have been holding in, or to help others with hints and tips that they have used in their lives to get them to this stage.
Something you should know
I don't care who you are, what colour, race, ethnicity, age, gender or sexuality you are. You are perfect to me. I am always here to talk to you and will always give my un-bias advice to help you through your tough time. Whether it be a quick chat because you are bored, or a long, in-depth conversation about your life, I will always listen and be a shoulder to cry on.
I love you all equally and indefinitely and that will never change. Now is the time to stamp out this stigma on mental health. We are all the same and it is time that people knew this.
The ending
Thank you for reading this and I hope you will get in touch soon.
I am so much healthier now, and am willing to help anyone. Whether you just have a rant to me or cry to me, I will always be here for you all.
Love
STS
Well, here goes I guess, even though I set up this forum, and my Instagram, I am still a little insecure about posting this really.
I am 17 years of age and live in England, I won't say my name or where I am from as I would like to keep this private and anonymous.
My Story
Back in 2008/2009 I used to see my real father 3 times one week and then 1 the next. I would stay every Wednesday and every other weekend. Whilst at his house he would go out pretty much every night and leave his best mates son in charge of me. He is 3 years older than me. He would "look after me" whilst my real dad and step-mum were out.
When in his "care" he would force me to do things I wouldn't like to do. If I said no, then he would hurt me to the point of passing out, but he would only hurt me in places I could cover, like my upper arms and torso.
The fear of him increased and increased for many years as this abuse continued.
I never really remembered why I was scared of him, I mean, I still am to this day, scared of him.
He used to tell me that it happens to everyone and it was nothing I should tell anyone. But this continued up until 2010/2011. He told me that I wasn't to tell anyone otherwise he would hurt me some more, which petrified me.
The change
In August of 2013 I was sat in my room, with my girlfriend and I told my girlfriend about it. She was just as upset as I was about it, wondering why I hadn't told anyone about it before. And I told her that I was mentally scarred from it and still lived in fear of him, that if I told anyone then he would come and get me and hurt me. She told me that I had nothing to fear that she wouldn't let him get me.
But that all changed one night, she had gone home and I was alone. I was scared, fearing him coming for me.
That night he popped up on Facebook and asked how I was doing. Checking up on me I suppose, and that's when my mind started over-thinking everything. I thought that he knew that I had told someone. So I got scared.
At that moment my mum came in to me after getting out the shower, I was physically scared and it was evident by my facial expression.
My mum being a counsellor knew something was wrong and just hugged me. And before I knew it I was blurting it all out to her. About the years of abuse.
She was mortified. At that moment she wiped the tears from my eyes and took me downstairs and we rang the police.
They sent someone out to talk me through what was going to happen at 1:30 in the morning.
I just sat in the room and let my mum do the speaking as I was too upset and scared to say anything. Fearing that he would still come for me.
The police told me that they would question him and that he should make no attempt to contact me otherwise he would be arrested on the spot.
I got a call a week later. One of the longest weeks I had ever lived. Due to it being the summer holidays I just hibernated in my room and didn't leave at all.
I always had the lock on my door just in case he would come for me when I was sleeping.
When that call came they told me that they had taken him in and questioned him. He denied everything, and because it had been such a long time since the abuse there was no DNA capabilities to prove anything had happened.
They said that they could take it to court and I said yes. But when it came to telling my real dad he slated me and made me near suicidal saying that if I had told him first he could have sorted it "in house". Meaning he would talk to him and get him to admit what happened.
I dropped the case and he went on to studying sport and doing his teachers-ed in university. Also meaning he was training to be a teacher, which destroys me inside every day.
The police said that the case will stay open for our entire lives and that if I ever wanted to pick it back up again they would let me.
School
School was never really a strong point. I didn't do very well. I only just got 5 C grades or above, which allowed me to go to the college of my choice.
I got severely bullied throughout high-school. I had deodorant sprayed in my eyes that temporarily blinded me. I had my knee slashed open. My arm broken, my nose broken.
Every day I would get my Grandma to pick me up from school as I was too scared to get the bus home on my own due to the bullies.
Some days I wouldn't go into school at all as I was too scared. I would sit on the stair case, crying my eyes out because I was petrified to go in.
When I did go in I would segregate myself at lunch and break in teachers classrooms, so people couldn't find me.
I got counselling throughout high-school, every week I would be seen by a privately hired counsellor and she would help me through everything that had happened and report it back to the school.
I was sat in my room the other day and thought to myself, you can say you are physically ill and that you don't want to go into school, but if you said that you were too scared to go to school or that school isn't the best place for you at the moment because you are mentally drained, you was forced to go in anyway.
I think it is time people realised that your mental health is just as important as your mental health.
The help
In August of 2013 I started counselling at the rape and sexual abuse clinic near where I lived. They interviewed me and I told them about the voices that I hear and the things that I see. The things that nobody else see's and hears. They referred me to a team called the Early Intervention Team.
They specialise in catching mental health disorders in the early stages to prevent them and stop them in their tracks.
I carried on seeing both teams and my mental health started to increase until my dad wanted to start seeing me again which sent me down-hill.
I was in and out of hospital due to hearing suicidal voices and thinking suicidal thoughts.
Now I never see my real dad. I have nothing to do with him. I only talk to him when I want to find out how my little brother is doing.
The help carried on throughout 2013 and I stopped it in March of 2014 because I wasn't able to talk about my feelings.
I carried on with the Early Intervention Team and they help me from day to day right now. I see them once a week, maybe twice, depending on how bad my week is going and they help me talk through my thought processes.
They give me comping mechanisms to practice whenever I hear these voices.
The result
Through all of this I learnt a good lesson for life, which is my favourite quote, "pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional".
This means that there is no chance that you are never going to get hurt in life, but if you let this bother you afterwards, then that is your own downfall.
Back to the result of all of this. I was diagnosed with Psychosis, which is a mental health disorder, meaning you hear voices and see things that other people don't hear. These voices are never nice and whenever I see things I see my abuser, knowing he is miles away and wouldn't approach me, even if he was in the same room as me, because the police said that if he did they would arrest him.
Late September 2014 they undiagnosed me with Psychosis and re-diagnosed me with Psychotic Bipolar, which is the same thing but means that I have massive mood swings. One moment I can be on top of the world, the next I will be at rock bottom. There is no in between.
But, through all of this I realised that even though I have this mental health disorder, I am just as strong as everybody else, and I can give my word out to everyone.
The conclusion
The conclusion to this is that through all of this pain and suffering, my best coping mechanism is to help others. I help them day to day, even if I don't know them I would still go out of my way to help them out. That is why I started my Instagram account. To help others. I steadily built followers and likes. Now I am writing this to kick off this forum so people can feel as though we are all in this together.
This is why I started the Stop the Stigma forum. To help others have their own down-time, whether it be to let out a demon they have been holding in, or to help others with hints and tips that they have used in their lives to get them to this stage.
Something you should know
I don't care who you are, what colour, race, ethnicity, age, gender or sexuality you are. You are perfect to me. I am always here to talk to you and will always give my un-bias advice to help you through your tough time. Whether it be a quick chat because you are bored, or a long, in-depth conversation about your life, I will always listen and be a shoulder to cry on.
I love you all equally and indefinitely and that will never change. Now is the time to stamp out this stigma on mental health. We are all the same and it is time that people knew this.
The ending
Thank you for reading this and I hope you will get in touch soon.
I am so much healthier now, and am willing to help anyone. Whether you just have a rant to me or cry to me, I will always be here for you all.
Love
STS
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